I Hide

I hide.

I hide from myself and from most everything in my life.

I do it out of fear. Fear of not being accepted and because of that ultimately being left. This fear is not limited to those whom I have found myself in a romantic relationship with, it is everyone – friends, family, coworkers.

I could go into all the things that have happened in my past that have contributed to this fear but I am tired of that same old story. I am an adult, I am aware of why my environment growing up has caused me to be closed off. I know that being raised by a single parent who endured the unimaginable happening to her as a little girl shaped who she was, unable to trust, unable to open up, unable to truly love and that has been passed on to me. No, it’s not fair – not for me and certainly not for her.

I try not to blame my environment for my shortcomings but that takes a big person and some times I do not want to be a big person. I want to scream, yell, curse and throw a temper tantrum like I did as a kid. Why does it have to be so hard, why can’t I just realize how I want my life to be different and then it magically happens? Instead, I work to overcome everything that comes naturally to me and try to create the love that I want in my life while leaving that ever-present fear at the door.

What I have come to realize in the last couple of months, as I have been navigating a meaningful relationship with my boyfriend, is that I am not quite sure what true unconditional love is. I really don’t think I have ever received it from someone and therefore am having a really tough time giving it. Mostly because I don’t have a clear idea what it looks like. Sure, give what you want to receive but what happens when you don’t even know what it is you are to be giving? These feelings lead to all types of doubts for the future. Am I cut out to be in a long-term relationship? Is it fair to be in a relationship with someone while I am figuring how all of this works or is it better to let them go and do this work on my own? And the ultimate question (this is where the fear kicks in) what if I put all this work in and finally get it then everything ends?

In the search for my truth, my Satya, this topic is my holy grail. Love is everything after all and nothing else matters if there isn’t love in all you do. I feel I do have a caring and warm heart and my struggle is getting that love I have inside for life, nature, the community, my friends, my family and my boyfriend out!

The obvious answer is, let go of the fear. Look how easy that is to write, just five little words. Not so easy to do. My best tool so far is staying true to myself and expressing my feelings. I ask myself “What is my Satya?” and the answer helps guide me to my course of action. I have been hiding for so long without even realizing it that sometimes it is hard to even know what it is that I am truly feeling or to trust what I am feeling for that matter.

This is my struggle and this is a little part of my process. As this blog is intended for me to share my triumphs and lessons through this crazy life, I thought I would start with the biggest elephant first and start taking it apart one tiny piece at a time. I wonder, however, how many of us out there have these same doubts and feelings? Why don’t we talk about this reality more instead of perpetuating the idea that you are incomplete unless you have a good job, a family, some kids and a house with a white picket fence?

I would love to hear how you all deal with doubts in your life, fear and cultivate love in your life. Maybe we can learn and grow together.

Namaste.

Scraping Pennies

FullSizeRenderIn an effort to save money and be crafty at the same time, I decided to take on the challenge of making my very own laundry softener.

About a year ago I made my own laundry detergent and absolutely love it. I made a half batch of a large recipe because, living in an apartment, I don’t have a lot of space to store extra items. I think the total investment for my initial ingredients was $15 and I have half of it left so I can make more when I run out.

I thought the laundry softener would be a good idea and a great accompaniment to the laundry detergent I loved. So to start, I referenced a wonderful post on lizmarieblog.com. I used her blog post on the laundry detergent so I had a really good feeling that she would share a good recipe.

To make the softener all you need is water (yay, free), distilled vinegar (had some lying around the house) and a bottle of conditioner in a scent you wouldn’t mind your clothes smelling like. I went cheaper and bought a bottle of Suave on sale at the grocery store for $1.50. If this little experiment works out I am ecouraged at the amount of money I will be saving.

IMG_0864Basically, you take 6 cups of hot water, I used boiling tap water, and mix that with the full bottle of conditioner.(Side bonus, I used the extra boiling water to make myself a cup of tea for a little treat while I got crafty.) After the conditioner was completely dissolved I added the 2 cups of white vinegar and let everything cool before storing it into my glass containers.

The vinegar had a very pungent scent when I first combined the ingredients together but as it has sat for the last couple of days the smell isn’t as strong. But the best news, it didn’t make my clothes smell at all like vinegar.

I have been using my homemade softener for a couple of weeks now and I am pretty happy with it. I am finding that I have to use a little bit more homemade kind than I would a store-bought brandwith it being winter in Colorado and SUPER dry weather. I am hoping that in the summer I will be able to cut back a little bit.

Considering that this concoction only cost me about 30 mins of my time and $1.50 – I am sold. Plus, it’s so much fun making household items. I find a welling of pride every time I do a load of laundry now with my homemade detergent and fabric softener. My boyfriend also gets to share in my joy as I tell him every time I do a load of laundry just how cool it is that I have made my own soap and softener. He amuses me and is impressed each time I bring it up. Sweetheart!!

I send you off hoping that you give this experiment a try or that it has inspired you to search out an item to make for yourself. I wish you as much joy in your creation as I have found in mine!

Namaste!!

First things first

This is my story.

I am one woman living on this planet working toward a joyful existence and navigating what that means to me. I haven’t been one of those lucky people who had a deep passion for something early on and therefore knew how they wanted to spend their life. This is an exploration for my truth; my Satya; in life, love and career.

I was lucky that after college graduation I obtained a position at an association management company that believed in me. I was continually promoted and given many wonderful opportunities to grow. This is where I gained all my “work experience” that I value and wouldn’t trade for anything. Those experiences are who I am.

There did come a time about 3 years ago when I realized something important; I wanted to do something that I loved not something I was simply good at. This was quite surprising as I was always told that if you go to college and get a good job you will be successful (and I thought that meant happy as well). Not the case. There was a time that I enjoyed what I did but it was never really part of me, not part of my soul. So I gave it all up; my good salary and my house; to start from scratch.

The past couple of years have been hard, not gonna lie. Went through an awful breakup, filed for bankruptcy, was fired for the first time, had to move in with my mother (twice) and have had a string of uninspired jobs whose only purpose were to pay the bills as I continued my pursuit.

Which brings me to the present – I have narrowed down the search (for now) and am concentrating on creating. Creating what? Anything and everything, mostly DIY projects. This is what I enjoy doing and we are to do things that we enjoy, put it out into the world and the world will come to us, right?!

This is to be my journey in finding my path, a story of my life, personal struggles and triumphs, career ups and downs with a little DIY project fails and successes along the way. My hope is you will join me on this journey and we can share and learn about life together.

Namaste