I hide from myself and from most everything in my life.
I do it out of fear. Fear of not being accepted and because of that ultimately being left. This fear is not limited to those whom I have found myself in a romantic relationship with, it is everyone – friends, family, coworkers.
I could go into all the things that have happened in my past that have contributed to this fear but I am tired of that same old story. I am an adult, I am aware of why my environment growing up has caused me to be closed off. I know that being raised by a single parent who endured the unimaginable happening to her as a little girl shaped who she was, unable to trust, unable to open up, unable to truly love and that has been passed on to me. No, it’s not fair – not for me and certainly not for her.
I try not to blame my environment for my shortcomings but that takes a big person and some times I do not want to be a big person. I want to scream, yell, curse and throw a temper tantrum like I did as a kid. Why does it have to be so hard, why can’t I just realize how I want my life to be different and then it magically happens? Instead, I work to overcome everything that comes naturally to me and try to create the love that I want in my life while leaving that ever-present fear at the door.
What I have come to realize in the last couple of months, as I have been navigating a meaningful relationship with my boyfriend, is that I am not quite sure what true unconditional love is. I really don’t think I have ever received it from someone and therefore am having a really tough time giving it. Mostly because I don’t have a clear idea what it looks like. Sure, give what you want to receive but what happens when you don’t even know what it is you are to be giving? These feelings lead to all types of doubts for the future. Am I cut out to be in a long-term relationship? Is it fair to be in a relationship with someone while I am figuring how all of this works or is it better to let them go and do this work on my own? And the ultimate question (this is where the fear kicks in) what if I put all this work in and finally get it then everything ends?
In the search for my truth, my Satya, this topic is my holy grail. Love is everything after all and nothing else matters if there isn’t love in all you do. I feel I do have a caring and warm heart and my struggle is getting that love I have inside for life, nature, the community, my friends, my family and my boyfriend out!
The obvious answer is, let go of the fear. Look how easy that is to write, just five little words. Not so easy to do. My best tool so far is staying true to myself and expressing my feelings. I ask myself “What is my Satya?” and the answer helps guide me to my course of action. I have been hiding for so long without even realizing it that sometimes it is hard to even know what it is that I am truly feeling or to trust what I am feeling for that matter.
This is my struggle and this is a little part of my process. As this blog is intended for me to share my triumphs and lessons through this crazy life, I thought I would start with the biggest elephant first and start taking it apart one tiny piece at a time. I wonder, however, how many of us out there have these same doubts and feelings? Why don’t we talk about this reality more instead of perpetuating the idea that you are incomplete unless you have a good job, a family, some kids and a house with a white picket fence?
I would love to hear how you all deal with doubts in your life, fear and cultivate love in your life. Maybe we can learn and grow together.